Have you ever been in a work situation where you accepted a task given to you at short notice, which your manager said would take you only a few moments, that took you hours. Everyone else in the office has gone home, and there you are tapping away at the keyboard… resentfully. You realize that a personal boundary has been crossed, you were an easy target, a pushover, and you are muttering under your breath about what an idiot you were to accept this task, as you make yet another cup of coffee and watch the hours slip by. 

The poet / philosopher, David Whyte, describes the difficulty we have in addressing issues assertively in his wonderful poem, Start Close In:

“Start close in,
don’t take the second step
or the third,
start with the first
thing
close in,
the step you don’t want to take.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=030YqrN4SFc

We avoid having the difficult conversation because it requires courage. The other person may not like what we have to say. Confronting another is not an easy talk. If we accept a situation – perhaps having to repeatedly correct shoddy work or even doing someone else’s work – the result is that we feel resentful, angry and overburdened. Often the culprit is unaware of the burden they place on us or, because we say nothing, they assume we are okay with it!

We are afraid to say anything, as we want to be liked by others. The most important phrase you need to remember is: ‘You don’t need to be ‘liked’ but you do need to be respected.”

Speaking up will not always make you popular. People won’t like you for that moment, especially if you are saying ‘no’ to something they want. They want you to be compliant because it suits them. When you challenge this, they won’t like it. They will push against it and even use manipulative strategies to get what they want. But, if you stand your ground firmly and respectfully, they will realize that you have put down a boundary and it will not be crossed. They will learn to respect you – this is an assertive conversation.

Sometimes, we may find ourselves in what Adam Gallinsky calls, the “low-power double-bind”.

If you don’t speak up, you go unnoticed or are taken advantage of; if you do speak up you are rejected or seen as ‘difficult’.  Watch his excellent TED Talk below: https://www.ted.com/talks/adam_galinsky_how_to_speak_up_for_yourself?language=en

Assertive communication does not come naturally. We need to learn how to communicate in this way. Many of us have not had great role-models in our family of origin or in the public space. We witness politicians mud-slinging or even expressing disagreement violently. We need to learn to debate and disagree with one another in a respectful way. We need to learn that others may see things differently. We need to learn to be able to listen. In our work or personal lives, we are either submissive and take the path of least resistance under pressure, or we become aggressive, lashing out at others where we earn a reputation as being ‘difficult’ and no one wants to work with us. Neither option is successful. There is a better way – communicating assertively.

Assertive communication is always respectful – both of ourselves and of the other. We can tell the person in a clam and clear way, what we need or what we would prefer. It is important to work on your body language, your tone and to be aware of the language and words you use. It is possible to acquire this skill. It is a necessity for great leadership.

If you feel you would like to learn more about how to communicate assertively, go to: https://accents.co.za/assertiveness-conflict-management/