Author name: Marija Ruygrok

Assertive CommunicationHow To Have That ‘Difficult Conversation’ Have you ever been in a work situation where you accepted a task given to you at short notice, which your manager said would take you only a few moments, that took you hours. Everyone else in the office has gone home, and there you are tapping away at the keyboard… resentfully. You realize that a personal boundary has been crossed, you were an easy target, a pushover, and you are muttering under your breath about what an idiot you were to accept this task, as you make yet another cup of coffee and watch the hours slip by.  The poet / philosopher, David Whyte, describes the difficulty we have in addressing issues assertively in his wonderful poem, Start Close In: “Start close in,don’t take the second stepor the third,start with the firstthingclose in,the step you don’t want to take.”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=030YqrN4SFc We avoid having the difficult conversation because it requires courage. The other person may not like what we have to say. Confronting another is not an easy talk. If we accept a situation – perhaps having to repeatedly correct shoddy work or even doing someone else’s work – the result is that we feel resentful, angry and overburdened. Often the culprit is unaware of the burden they place on us or, because we say nothing, they assume we are okay with it! We are afraid to say anything, as we want to be liked by others. The most important phrase you need to remember is: ‘You don’t need to be ‘liked’ but you do need to be respected.” Speaking up will not always make you popular. People won’t like you for that moment, especially if you are saying ‘no’ to something they want. They want you to be compliant because it suits them. When you challenge this, they won’t like it. They will push against it and even use manipulative strategies to get what they want. But, if you stand your ground firmly and respectfully, they will realize that you have put down a boundary and it will not be crossed. They will learn to respect you – this is an assertive conversation. Sometimes, we may find ourselves in what Adam Gallinsky calls, the “low-power double-bind”. If you don’t speak up, you go unnoticed or are taken advantage of; if you do speak up you are rejected or seen as ‘difficult’.  Watch his excellent TED Talk below: https://www.ted.com/talks/adam_galinsky_how_to_speak_up_for_yourself?language=en Assertive communication does not come naturally. We need to learn how to communicate in this way. Many of us have not had great role-models in our family of origin or in the public space. We witness politicians mud-slinging or even expressing disagreement violently. We need to learn to debate and disagree with one another in a respectful way. We need to learn that others may see things differently. We need to learn to be able to listen. In our work or personal lives, we are either submissive and take the path of least resistance under pressure, or we become aggressive, lashing out at others where we earn a reputation as being ‘difficult’ and no one wants to work with us. Neither option is successful. There is a better way – communicating assertively. Assertive communication is always respectful – both of ourselves and of the other. We can tell the person in a clam and clear way, what we need or what we would prefer. It is important to work on your body language, your tone and to be aware of the language and words you use. It is possible to acquire this skill. It is a necessity for great leadership.   If you feel you would like to learn more about how to communicate assertively, go to: https://accents.co.za/assertiveness-conflict-management/  

The Fear Of Public SpeakingWhy Does Public Speaking Freak Me Out? The majority of clients that come to Accents are held hostage by their fear of public speaking. In a group of 10, usually 8 or 9 people will suffer from excessive nerves. They complain: “I knew what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t access the words!”“Instead of sounding confident and credible, I sounded unprepared and foolish – I feel so humiliated!’“I couldn’t breathe and stammered and stumbled my way through the presentation.” What is it about public speaking that makes us so terrified? Perhaps it is the fear that we may be judged and not meet the expectations of an audience? Perhaps we are at the mercy of our ‘inner critic’ who finds us wanting and tell us we are not good enough? We want to deliver the ‘perfect’ presentation and use the words that will impress our audience, but in that moment, we cannot remember them. As Matt Abrahams says in his excellent talk on anxiety management, No Freaking Speaking https://youtu.be/5naThX63pF0, the fear of public speaking is something we can learn to manage. Anxiety is not something we want to ‘get rid of’, as it gives us energy and helps us to focus and tells us that what we are doing is important. One of his most useful tips is reminding us to see our presentation as a ‘conversation’ rather than a ‘performance’. This shifts the focus off ‘getting it right’ to ‘getting the point across effectively’. We are sharing what we know with the audience. Thorough preparation is the obvious way to assist our nerves. However, even though we may have prepared really well, our nerves can hijack our presentation. This is called the ‘amygdala hijack’ – a term first used by psychologist Daniel Goleman in his book on Emotional Intelligence. This is an intense emotional reaction out of proportion to the actual circumstance. Our extreme anxiety impairs the prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain that regulates rational thought. (https://psychcentral.com/health/amygdala-hijack#the-amygdala) The rational brain is bypassed and signals are sent to the ‘emotional brain’ resulting the fight, flight or freeze response. Any of these impairs our effectiveness in public speaking, as we start speaking ‘at’ the audience instead of ‘to’ the audience (fight); as we rush through our presentation as quickly as possible (flight) or we cannot remember what to say (freeze). The first step in being able to manage and control our fear is to face it head-on and understand how it operates. What are some of the physical symptoms you display when you are nervous? Does your mouth dry up or does fear make you perspire excessively? What temperature is the fear? Starting to confront your fear and understand how it operates within your physical body is an important first step. We can then see and recognize the fear and welcome it as an ‘old friend’. Secondly, we need to apply some practical strategies to control the fear. Learning to use deep breathing is an important and valuable tool. Remember to try and exhale, as many people fall into the trap of too much inhalation, without exhaling which results in breathlessness. Telling someone to ‘just breathe’ is not very helpful as one needs to learn how to breath in that moment. https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/breathing-exercises-anxiety/ Nerves are not something that goes away with time or age – they will always be with us. We need to find a way to manage and control the nerves. As Martha Beck says in her excellent book: Finding Your Own North Star 2001: “The difference between success and failure isn’t the absence of fear but the determination to pursue your heart’s desires no matter how scared you are. Finally you’ll realise that fear is the raw material from which courage is manufactured. Without it we wouldn’t even know what it means to be brave.” For more on how to manage speech anxiety visit: https://accents.co.za/public-speaking/